Narcissistic Abuse
Narcissistic abuse can occur to us from family members, friends, romantic partners, bosses/coworkers, etc. I am able to help clients who experienced both overt/grandiose or covert/vulnerable narcissism. Narcissists or manipulative people can wear all kinds of masks and do not fit one mold or look.
A lot of my clients have had a pattern of very close and intense relationships/friendships that ended suddenly or have been very confusing and hard to recover from, even after a long time. We can tend to ruminate about these relationships, trying to figure out what happened and how to make sense of it. My clients tend to overly blame themselves or assume this happened due to something “wrong” with themselves or some misstep, when that’s often not the case. We can feel bad for thinking about it so much and wondering why we can’t “move on” or keep mentally looping on the situation.
Feeling Discarded
If your relationship had other abusive elements and ended suddenly with very little or no warning that is likely called a “discard” which is completely different than a usual breakup or drifting away. Clients can feel very alone because when they try to talk about it with other people, they tend to get the usual breakup advice, or people have a hard time understanding how entirely different it feels to be discarded and treated as if you never meant anything to the other person. It can feel like your entire reality or the floor beneath you has crumbled and you don’t know what is up or down anymore.
Overt/Grandiose Narcissistic Abuse
Overt/grandiose narcissists are closer to the image we all have heard about narcissists: extroverted, a need for excessive admiration, an exaggerated sense of self-importance, entitled, etc.
Covert/Vulnerable Narcissistic Abuse
Covert/vulnerable narcissists can present in ways that seem very different from, and in some cases the exact opposite of, our stereotypical picture of grandiose, obvious narcissism. Some narcissists present as vulnerable/shy/introverted, and people often feel bad for them because they often present as depressed, having low self esteem, or feeling misunderstood, which can hook Autistic/ADHDers since we often relate. Some can even be goofy or seem like the harmless “golden retriever” type from the outside.
Covert/vulnerable narcissistic abuse can last for years or decades, be very subtle and hard to spot, sometimes involves neglect or the deprivation of needs rather than overt mistreatment, and in some ways can be more harmful because it’s harder to believe it yourself that it’s abuse and harder to get support from others. The cycle of abuse can be very hard to detect in these cases but still tends to follow the idealization (honeymoon period), devaluation (subtle ways you start to feel like a burden/problem or like you’re hurting them when it’s the opposite), and discarding (breaking up or pushing away) cycle. A lot of the time they can be so helpful or romantic or nice, but at other times they feel so confusing or cold. Some covert/vulnerable narcissists do the final discard after years or decades in unbelievably cruel ways out of nowhere, sometimes completely abandoning their family members, partners, or friends with no notice or warning that anything was wrong and act like a completely different person.
Communal Narcissistic Abuse
Some covert narcissists are also communal narcissists so they make a big show about helping others, volunteering, and acting nice. This can be especially confusing, as they can be well regarded by others and go above and beyond for them but then behave differently behind closed doors. They can tend to treat strangers or friends better than the people closest to them, who have a chance of seeing their not-so kind behavior.
Is This a Trend?
There is a common narrative I’m hearing that supposedly narcissism is being overblown or too easily thrown around, and I disagree. I think it’s not being talked about enough and is being missed a lot. According to Dr. Ramani Durvasula, a well-known psychologist specializing in this area, roughly 1 in 5 people exhibit noticeable narcissistic traits (fewer meet criteria for full narcissistic personality disorder), which are enough to cause a lot of harm. Psychologically unhealthy people can fall along a continuum from emotionally immature to moderate narcissism to malignant narcissism to psychopathy.